Family Break-Up

Colors Contributed by Shaw House

If your parents are separating, sometimes they don't realize how much you are hurting. They don't do that intentionally; it's just that they are hurt too. But still, you can get caught in the middle. Even though that shouldn't happen, it does. We know it can be really hard. And as much as you are stuck in the middle, you often don't get heard.

If your parents are married, they can get a divorce. If they are not married, they would go to court for a "Parental Rights and Responsibilities" order. Lots of things are decided in a divorce, like ending their marriage, dividing property, finding out who gets the house, but most importantly what happens to you. Although your parents each have a right to an attorney, you do not. But, you may have a guardian ad litem (GAL). A GAL is an adult who the Court appoints to you. This person will meet with you and may even visit you at school, at home, and while you are visiting both parents. They should talk to you alone. They will also talk to your parents, maybe your teachers, maybe your counselor and other people who know you. They are there to help you by letting your voice be heard and by recommending services for you or your parents. The role of GAL is to tell the court 2 things:

1. what you want to happen, and
2. what the GAL thinks is in your best interests.

Sometimes what you want to happen and what the GAL thinks is best for you are not the same. Ultimately, the Judge makes the decision.

There is no set rule that says when you are a certain age, you can decide where you live. The Court decides that. In making that decision, the court does what it believes is in your best interests. Although your wishes are considered, they are not the only factors. These are all the factors the Court looks at when making the decision as to where you should live:

1. Your age;
2. Your relationship with your parents and any other persons who may significantly affect your welfare;
3. Your preference, if old enough to express a meaningful preference;
4. How long and how adequate your current living arrangement is;
5. The stability of any proposed living arrangements for you;
6. The motivation of your parents and their capacities to give you love, affection and guidance;
7. Your adjustment to your present home, school and community;
8. The capacity of each parent to allow and encourage frequent and continuing contact between you and your other parent;
9. The capacity of each parent to cooperate or to learn to cooperate in child care;
10. How your parents cooperate with each other and resolve their differences;
11. The effect on you if only one parent has sole authority over your upbringing;
12. If there was any domestic abuse between your parents, in the past or currently, and how that abuse affects you emotionally and whether you are safe;
13. Whether your parent ever abused you;
14. All other factors having a reasonable bearing on your physical and psychological well-being;
15. Whether your parent willfully misused the protection from abuse process;
16. If the child is under one year of age, whether the child is being breast-fed; and
17. If your parent was ever convicted for a sex offense.

So as you can see, the Judge looks at several things before making a final decision.

You do not have to go to Court, unless you've been subpoenaed. If your parents ask you to go to Court, you can say no. You should talk to them and explain to them how you are feeling. There are programs out there for your parents that may help them understand what you are going through. Links to parent education programs