In family court, the Court and the Guardian ad litem often give parents
the message that they need to "move forward," and "put differences
aside in the best interest of the children." These can be extremely important
messages for parents to hear, but they must be looked at differently in the
context of domestic violence.
What often happens is that, in the egregious cases of domestic violence (ongoing,
life-threatening, children injured), the safety of the victim and children
is taken very seriously. But in less "serious" cases, domestic violence
is ignored, minimized or discounted as having no on-going present or future
effect. In the later situations, victims and children are put at risk, the
abuse does not end, and the family cases go on and on because the domestic
violence problems of the family are not addressed. Then everyone else involved-the
courts, Guardians ad litem, and the attorneys-become frustrated because nothing
ever seems to be resolved.
To avoid this scenario, Guardians ad litem need to:
- Gather information about the domestic abuse, and not discount its ongoing
effects.
- Know how victims think and behave during the divorce/parental rights matters.
- Know how abusers think and behave during the divorce/parental rights matters.
- Know how to prevent and address ongoing exercise of control by abuser,
and understand how victim will respond to on going control.
- Understand how domestic violence affects the parenting abilities of the
victim and the abuser
Guardians ad litem should know how the dynamic of abuse effects a parental
rights and responsibilities or a divorce case:
- Domestic Abuse absolutely effects the way the family is able, or unable,
to break up and reform, even if the violence was "mild" or occurred
infrequently.
- The abuser's main object is to maintain control. If the victim files for
divorce or parental rights, the abuser is likely to see that as a challenge
to his control. Victims know this and will have a lot of fear.
- Victims in the middle of a family matter are not safe-emotionally, economically
or physically. Asking them to put the domestic violence behind them revictimizes
them because their ongoing experience of reality is being denied.
Abusers in the middle of a family matter have not stopped abusing. To the
contrary, they are working very hard to maintain control. If they think they
are losing control they are dangerous to the victim:
- Abusers will want to maintain contact with the victim in order to maintain
control. Child drop-off and pick-up can be such a situation.
- Abusers will use the children to maintain control, disrupting/changing
the visitation schedule; using the children as spies; not turning up for
visits if they know the other parent has to work; refusing to have overnight
visits with children so the victim can't go out with friends.
- Abusers will bond with attorneys, guardians, judges, and attempt to make
the victim seem unreasonable and crazy.
- Abusers will continue to control the victim by controlling the family
resources.
- Abusers often want to have control of their relationships with their children.
Children may both love and fear the abuser.
- Abusers may subtly give the victim the message that the children are not
safe alone with him.
- Abusers often work hard to make the children take sides
- Abusers often see the children only as a means to control the victim.
- Abusers may maintain control by never letting the family case end.
Victims in the middle of a family matter are still suffering the effects
of being abused:
- Victims may give up control of what happens in the divorce because of
the level of anger they see in the abuser.
- Victims may agree to go back to the abuser because it seems to be the
safest choice.
- Victims may have a heightened sense of justice and anger for what has
happened to them. They are often not in a good place for compromise.
- Victims are very concerned about their children. They often feel that
they did not protect their children enough in the past. This can make them
feel that they cannot let anything slide. They often believe that letting
their children go for visitation means abandoning them to emotional and
physical suffering and as a result may be unwilling to agree to what seems
reasonable child/parent contact because of fear for their children. This
fear may be reasonable.
- Domestic violence affects the victim's' parenting skills and relationship
with their children, they may over- or under-discipline them and they may
give them too much or too little responsibility. Survival and good parenting
may be hard to achieve at the same time.
Recommendations:
If there is domestic abuse between the parents, less attention should be placed
on compromise and getting along. More attention should be placed on the emotional
and physical safety of the children. This does not necessarily mean less child/abuser
contact; it may well mean:
- Structured and explicit visitation schedules and expectations.
- Limited contact between parents (e-mail works very well), and no contact
when the children are present.
- Allocated parental rights,
- Parenting education that is appropriate and ongoing
- Plans for contact that start by erring on the side of child safety and
are expanded only if the abuser follows through with safe behavior and counseling
Currently in most district courts, protection from abuse orders are quite
detailed about parent-child contact and can work very well to protect the
safety of the victim and the children. They also structure family contact
as the divorce or parental rights matter wends it way through the court. Because
Protection from Abuse Orders will be amended to reflect orders or agreements
in the Family Matter, the Protection Order should not negatively impact a
Guardian's ability to work toward a child-centered recommendation.
Guardians should be wary that abusers will minimize and deny the abuse, and
will blame the victim for any order protecting her. Read the complaint that
led to the Order of Protection being issued, Find out if the Abuser is regularly
disregarding the order. A victim should never be persuaded or coerced into
dropping an Order of Protection to "make things easier".