There are many types of residential arrangements, all of which can be healthy for children
if handled properly. Of primary importance is the parents' ability to put
their own personal agenda on the side burner, so they have a clarity in viewing
the children. It is by doing so that parents can realistically make residential
arrangements in the best interests of the children. Knowing your children
well, temperamentally and developmentally, and participating in open family
communication make for optimal parenting.
The range of options available for parenting is often limited by the choices
of parents about their own lives. For example, parents living close to one
another have more options than parents living far apart because of financial
and practical considerations.
1. Two homes for the children with alternating schedules.
When distance is a factor, children may spend the school year in one home
and most holidays, vacations and summers in the other home. Sometimes, this
pattern is reversed every few years so that the summer parent becomes the
school-year parent. Other alternating patterns include alternative years,
6-month periods, 3-month periods, monthly, weekly, or a 3- or 4-day split.
POSITIVES FOR THE CHILDREN. Significant relationships with both parents
are assured, for the most part. If the arrangement works well, the self-esteem
of parents and children is often improved.
NEGATIVES FOR THE CHILDREN. The more frequent switches can be difficult
for children, unless they are handled very carefully and with a high degree
of cooperation between parents. Imagine yourself, as an adult, living with
the alternating pattern you are considering for your children, and you may
understand how unsettling the frequent transitions can be. High degrees
of conflict and anger between parents cause serious problems for children
when transitions are frequent. If conflict is high, minimize the number
if transitions and make explicit written agreements about arrangements.
It is very important in the longer-term alternating patterns (one month
and more) for the other parent to have contact with the children so that
both parents are involved.
Teens sometimes have difficulty with these alternating patterns. They need
consistent accessibility to peers, school and activities.
2. A primary residence with significant and ongoing contact with the other
parent.
In this arrangement, children frequently have some contact with the other
parent each weekend and during the week, with major time during the summer
and many special activities and holidays.
POSITIVES FOR THE CHILDREN. Children may feel more stability having one
primary home. Children are able to have significant relationships with both
parents and often have both parents more available to them because one parent
is less overburdened and the other is less "shut out."
NEGATIVES FOR THE CHILDREN. Again, if high degrees of conflict and anger
exist between parents, the frequent contact required of this arrangement
can be very difficult and painful for the children. Explicit written agreements
are important. Cooperation is needed to make this work for the children.
For younger children, who are unable to communicate well and who have
many transitions to make between parents, it is especially important that
parents communicate well.
3. One residence, with basic/minimal contact or "visits" with
the other parent.
POSITIVES FOR THE CHILDREN. Very stable and clear home base from which
to operate. May be needed when there is high conflict between parents.
NEGATIVES FOR THE CHILDREN. With such limited contact, one parent may
have trouble being a parent and having a significant relationship with the
children. Some parents will withdraw from this situation. The residential
parent may become overburdened by having many parental responsibilities-tasks
once shared by two are now the responsibility of one-and may be less "available"
to the children.
Research indicated that the quality of parent-child relationships is only
partly related to quantity of time spent together.
With the imbalance in parenting roles of this arrangement, studies show
that financial support for children is less dependable. When parenting functions
are shared, financial support increases and becomes more regular.
4. No contact or only supervised contact with one parent.
This arrangement may occur when one parent has abandoned the children
for a prolonged period of time, when there is documented abuse of children
or the other parent, or there are other serious problems (such as severe
mental illness, substance abuse).
POSITIVES FOR THE CHILDREN. The children's safety is safeguarded, as is
their emotional wellbeing, by not allowing exposure to abusive or threatening
situations. One stable home can provided the solid, emotional base needed
by these children.
NEGATIVES FOR THE CHILDREN. Children may idealize the absent parent and
may struggle more with identity issues when one parent is "absent."
Children with an absent parent may have poorer self-esteem.
Finally, depending on the age of your children, they should be asked if
they have suggestions about their schedules. Try to incorporate some of
their comments into the parenting arrangements. Many children complain that
they are forced into a pattern designed only for their parents' convenience.
